Tag: loss

There is no doubt that menopause heralds a new stage of life. There are the physical and hormonal changes that are the hallmark of this stage of life, thus the euphemism that my mother and her generation used to describe it: “The Change.” The basic definition is the end of reproductive years, but that is too basic. This has always annoyed me, especially when some seem to think that is the same thing as saying, “the end of one’s useful life.” As much as I enjoyed becoming a mom and raising a family, it was not the sum total of who I am as a person.

Menopause is a very difficult time of transition for women. In addition to physical changes, there are myriad other changes that mark this time of life. Children leave home and start lives and families of their own. Parents are aging and become dependent, become sick, and pass away. Many women retire or at least contemplate retiring from careers that they worked and sacrificed to build. Face time with a spouse increases, and this is a time when fissures in a relationship can take hold and form unbridgeable cracks. This list is not exhaustive.There are many things that can happen, and all of these things involve loss.

Why am I here?

This sense of loss can lead to existential questions and also grief, the natural emotional response to loss.

Just to review the stages:

• Denial
  • Bargaining
    • Depression
      • Anger
  • Acceptance

These stages are not linear; there is no time period assigned to each stage. This means that you can get to the acceptance stage, but that doesn’t mean you are finished—you can go backwards and experience the other stages at any time. If you have ever experienced the loss of a loved one and months or years later, you are leveled with a feeling of loss and sadness that seems to come out of left field, this is an example of that.

Loss is cumulative. Children leaving the nest, downsizing, retiring, or the death of a parent may all be normal life events, but they are all large losses and they all happen in a relatively short period of time. This rapid fire of huge changes can take its toll. In my situation, I also have the added grief of a very painful family estrangement.

Grief needs to be worked through. The emotions surrounding loss need to be acknowledged and felt. Talking things through with family, friends or a therapist, and journaling all help. The most helpful thing is the tincture of time. A loss is still a loss, and something that is lost cannot always be replaced.

For me, this weekend was an example of the way that grief which you thought you had processed can come back and knock you back down to your knees.

The news broke that Brooklyn Beckham went scorched earth on his parents to his 16 million followers. As the mom of a son from whom I am estranged, all I could think about was his poor mother. I have nothing in common with her except that we are both moms, but everyone on the internet seems to have an opinion. This situation is difficult enough to navigate in a small town. I cannot imagine the pain of a family misunderstanding being fodder for gossip on two continents. When you have spent your entire life loving your child and doing your best to support them, and the response is to be cut off, I don’t know whether it matters if 6 people know or 16 million.The pain is unbearable. 

“Recollections May Vary”  – Queen Elizabeth’s response after the Harry and Megan Oprah interview

Estrangement is currently the way to handle any type of conflict. Start by calling your parents emotionally immature, then tell victim stories about your upbringing, get a few friends and then even a therapist to tell you how brave you are, and your victimhood is alchemized into a hero’s journey. Is your story the absolute truth? Probably not. Were your parents perfect? No. Did they love you? Yes. Did they have the mental health resources that you had at your fingertips? Absolutely not. This is an example of you holding your parents to a set of standards that didn’t exist when they were raising you. 

There is no room for grace, for acknowledging your parent’s humanity, or for any nuance.  So they did their best. It wasn’t good enough? Fair enough. It’s up to you to heal. If that healing involves cutting off your family, just be aware that when the wheel or fortune turns, and standards have once again changed (and they will), you may find yourself on the other side. A side where you are no longer the hero, but the villain.

As a mom, I am left grieving a child who is still alive and lives five minutes away. If you are a parent and are also lucky, you may find the support of friends and family. There are still those who will tell you that “good” parents don’t get cut off. Where there is smoke there is fire. If you attempt to explain or defend, then you are being manipulative. You find yourself distancing yourself from people who say things like, “You have to listen to his side,” or “His perception of what happens is ‘his truth’ and you have to accept that.” I am and always have been willing to listen and have a discussion. I am not willing to set aside my reality and grovel to anyone. Especially for a history that was re-written without my input. Finally, to save yourself and your sanity, you have to find a way through. That entails building on the foundation that you have already established in life so that the grief becomes more manageable.

Building on Your Existing Foundation

This can come in so many forms. Grieving the past is necessary, but it’s also necessary not to get stuck. In order to build as you move through all of the stages and feelings that grief brings on, get help if you need it. There are no bonus points in life for unnecessary suffering. The next step is to notice the glimmers. These are the beautiful parts of life that are always present, but when we are in the thick of things, we forget to notice. A sunrise, a cloudless blue sky, a warm cup of coffee that you linger over in the morning. The tiny things that help to get you through a day. Stop and notice them. No, it won’t fix everything, but what it will do is focus your attention outside of yourself and on to something beautiful. Even if it’s only for a few moments.

The next thing is to do something different. This does not mean “pull yourself up by the bootstraps” or any other useless cliche that well meaning people throw at you. It’s trying something different. Generally speaking, you have more time on your hands. One of the best tips I can give is to have a list of things that you want to do or accomplish ready before your children leave or you retire. That may be picking up a hobby that you set aside when you were younger, or learning something new—possibly both. I always wanted to take a work travel assignment. I took the opportunity to travel to Maine as a CRNA after my children left home and after I became estranged from my son. It helped me become more confident in my self and my skills. It also helped me process my grief in my own way.

Keep in mind that there are no rules. Feel free to pivot. I will never regret taking a travel assignment, but I realized I am a homebody and once was enough. Other options are to take a class, or go to your local library and check out a book which you now have time to read. Libraries are hidden jewels in most communities that offer courses and lectures for all age groups. I joined a book club at my local library. It gives me the opportunity to spend time with other people and have meaningful discussions about the books that are assigned every month.

Which brings me to the next suggestion. Find your tribe. Community is so important to happiness. Find the people who are supportive, and who share your values. Become more deeply involved in your community. You now have the time to attend a local school board meeting or a town council meeting. Find out what is happening in your community. If you have raised your children in the same community in which you currently live, even better. You have that experience to draw on to help make decisions for the next generation. Become informed. You have the time to find out what is going on in the world and the experience to form intelligent opinions about what is happening and the time to act. As a woman past menopause, you are in a unique position to work with other women and be an agent of positive change in your community and in the world. 

Take the experience that you have acquired and use this time to take what you have learned and teach it to others. I am using my nursing background to put together a class to help other women going through menopause manage this major life transition.

The important thing to remember is that you are not finished. That two things can be true at the same time. Deep grief and sadness can be experienced at the same time as contentment and even joy. As you enter into another cycle in your life, there are still beautiful things to learn and experience. It’s up to you to find those things, act on them, and be open to the wonder and surprises that are still left for you to experience.